A big shout out to ABC Radio NSW for being a Stand for Children's Health. Each week, I will be chatting to Patrick on air about food, family and children's health.
We've got loads of great topics we'll be covering. Most weeks, I will be on air live with Patrick on Tuesdays at 10.40am. However, some weeks I may be on a different day if I'm running school incursions.
Here is this week's recording.
WHEN ADULTING/PARENTING GETS HARD
Patrick:
Now sometimes adulting and parenting can just be hard. As a parent have you ever thought, I can't breathe, it feels too much, the other kids are growing up and walking out the door and you just feel a little bit lost. Well Belinda Smith from The Root Cause is back to discuss what happens when parenting and adulting just gets a little bit too much to handle.
Good morning Belinda.
Belinda:
Good morning Patrick and everyone. I hope you’re all well.
Patrick:
Yes, well great to have you on the program as always. What brought this topic up to your attention right now?
Belinda:
Oh look, I think it's I always like to share authentically about things that are going on for myself because we often sometimes feel that we're going through things on our own but when you actually share openly and vulnerably you find out that you're never really alone.
So I've got a lot of changes going on in my family. My daughter's turning 18 in a couple of weeks and then she's leaving to go over to America and to be a summer camp counsellor. And my little guy, I shouldn't say little guy because he's like taller than me and size 11 shoes now, but he's 13 and he's starting to get a little bit sad because his sister's going away.
And then on top of that, my work for the last 10 years has always been about standing for children's health. So I'm forever reading what the latest science is saying,what the latest health statistics are saying.
And sometimes that work feels very heavy. You kind of think how are we are actually going to change this? And then you start to think about climate change and then what's going on in Gaza and the potential of a change of President in America and like all these things start to pile up. And just a week or two ago, for me it just got too much.
Like when the latest thing happened at Bondi Junction, for me that used to be my hometown when my kids were little and I used to take them to that shopping center all the time and I actually just, I couldn't anymore. I just felt like, what do I, like, how do we get out of this? How do we actually make our world safe for our kids?
And I just needed to retreat and I guess I hibernated. I just went cold turkey off social and I turn up there for my business all the time. And I actually just really started to realize that my nervous system within overdrive, I was in constant state of like flight and fight and I really needed to bring myself back down and that little break from Instagram and social media for a while was enough to kind of reset my system.
And so I shared that both on my social, that this is where I've been and then also with my beautiful Packed with Heart newsletter community that I've been writing to every fortnight for 10 years. I've got a beautiful community there and I was overwhelmed by how many people wrote back to my email and to my social media.
So I thought, you know what, this would be a great topic to share with our ABC listeners, because if my little community that I've been writing
Patrick:
So Belinda, where would we start? I guess if it depends on, from what you've heard from others, is there an inflection point where there is a child leaving home and it can put your life into perspective or you see something on the news and then you just have that little moment of this is one, two, three, four things and then you start getting super worried. What are the sort of coping strategies to help not reach that point of I need to have a full on break here? How can you stay on top of it?
Belinda:
Well, I think the I just have to preface this by sharing with our listeners. I am not a guru or a trained professional in this. I'm just one parent, talking to a group of other parents about like what happened for myself and the things that I found beneficial.
And so I guess for me, I would actually like to say to people that it's okay to give yourself permission to actually rest, like to take a step back and to really rest and allow your nervous system to come back down. We live in such a fast-paced world that we, and we're juggling so many balls, that sometimes those balls are things that we've put in our mix as well, and we've got really high standards of ourselves.
So the thing that I would encourage people to think about are what are all those balls that they've got juggling and which ones can they actually just let drop for a while that aren't going to break. So a good analogy would be with this is to think about things in are they a glass ball or are they a rubber ball so that if it's something that is glass and you were to drop it, it would shatter and it would cause big problems in your family. Or is it a rubber ball that you know like if you let it go for a little bit or just bounce and bounce and bounce and bounce until eventually at some point you know the bounce gets smaller and stops.
So to give you an example I talk a lot about this with my Kids Health Quest members. It might be that we've grown up in a world where at home the dishes always needed to be done and the kitchen spotless before you went to bed. So people would stay up until 11 o'clock at night once they got the kids better to turn the kitchen into this pristine state so that they could wake up in the morning and make it a mess to make breakfast, for instance.
Patrick:
Right.
Belinda:
So when we're in this state of life is too much. We need to ask ourselves, is that a glass ball or is it a rubber ball? So you know, if you were to leave, I'm just using the dishes as an example, but if you were to leave the dishes go for a night and you stack them on the bench and then you dealt with them the next day, but it allowed you to get like a solid seven or eight hours sleep. Is that a glass ball or is it a rubber ball? It's definitely a rubber ball.
So it's just giving ourselves permission to lower the bar a little bit and go, you know what, my sleep, when I'm in this state of anxiety and overwhelm and it's feeling too much, the things that actually are going to help me get through this and be a better parent and a better person for myself and the people around me is to give myself permission to rest and lower the bar a little bit and, you know, have a good night's sleep, read a book, have a cup of tea. Do things that they may not be something that you would normally have in your balls that you're juggling, but they are certainly things that can help you feel better.
So I guess that's the real thing, like give yourself permission to lower the bar and rest.
Patrick:
Absolutely. I'm speaking with Belinda Smith from The Root Cause, a bit about how to handle life when adulting and parenting can get a little bit too much.
During your role, like you said, you're not necessarily a guru, you've spoken from your experiences and just taking on board and one parent talking to another parent, so to speak. What were some of the other examples of people finding out it's getting a bit too much in life and then finding a way to scale it back and maybe drop a rubber ball or two?
Belinda:
Well It's interesting. I think my sharing got people to think about maybe it's time for me like they were saying, oh my gosh this is how I've been feeling, thank you for putting it into words but not really knowing what they needed, what was the next thing to do. So I found myself replying to everybody basically the same things which was, ask yourself what's the bare minimum that you need to do today, like just to show up, you know, and then about the glass balls and the rubber balls. What is the thing that today that you can do just to show up that's going to keep the glass ball in the air and forget the other things. You can always come back to them.
And then the other question that I really meant into for myself, and this come about because I had to show up to a community event that my corporate wellness partner, Coastline Credit Union were running. I had 70 people turning up to this event so I couldn't not be on, you know, like I couldn't not be on. That was a glass ball for that day.
So I asked myself the question of what is it that I can do today to make the world a better place for my children and the families that are coming along? And the thing that really come out was that I just needed to turn up, I needed to share and be passionate about the things that I know and do.
I can't control what's happening with the climate, I can't control what's happening with Gaza, climate, blah, blah, blah. I can't really change any of that but I could help those people in that room today by sharing the knowledge that I know. So, you know, giving yourself permission, what's the bare minimum and then just thinking about what is it that you can do today to show up that just makes the world a better place for your kids. and perhaps other people around you and role modeling that to our own children just that, yes, it's okay. Like we need to share with our children and it's okay to be feeling heavy with things, like not to bottle up their emotions, but also show them about how, you know, the different things that we can do to move through it, to navigate through it. Because, you know, they are watching what we're doing, but they will be interpreting things differently to how we're feeling it. So it's important that we share with them openly and honestly what we're working through so that they hear it from you rather than trying to guess what's going on for mum or dad or for nan or whatever.
Patrick:
Absolutely great advice. And Belinda, what else in terms of looking for support if there is someone listening right now who is maybe at that point that you were at one time and needing to scale back has heard the advice. What about other further support services or information? Where would they be able to go?
Belinda:
Well, wonderful question. Question that, Patrick, because we do have lots of incredible support services around Australia. I mean, if you're feeling quite in a state of overwhelm and you've got absolutely no idea, you could always pick up the phone and ring organisations like Lifeline or Black Dog, Beyond Blue. There's some really great organizations that can help you through that.
I would always encourage people to, the days are passed where, when you're struggling, asking for help was seen as a weakness. Like we actually need to see it as a strength. You know, like there was that old saying from years gone by, it takes a village to raise a child. And it literally, many years ago, it did. You know, like we had support people around us. But as years have gone on, all of a sudden we felt that, you know, you need to be this capable, strong person who can do it all pretty much on our own. So please don't underestimate your own support networks. You know, share with a friend where you're at. And, you know, ask for their help. Because you know what, at some point in time your friend may be struggling and it's going to be great for them to know that they can also go to you and ask for help. So be brave enough to ask for help amongst your friends and you never know, you might actually be helping them by purely asking for support.
Also in Australia you could go to your GP, tell them where you're at and ask for a mental health plan. And if they deem that that's something that would be of support to you, you're entitled to I think it's up to six appointments with a psychologist or a counsellor to help you through situations. So also don't see that as a weakness. We take our car to a mechanic to have a service, this is just like I guess you know thinking of our brain like a car and that it needs a little bit of a tune up. So don't feel bad about that kind of thing.
Patrick:
Very great advice. Belinda, thank you for your time this morning.
Belinda:
My pleasure. Thanks Patrick and thank you ABC.
Patrick:
Thank you so much. Belinda Smith from The Route Cause.
If you need support, here are the details for the organisations that Belinda mentioned.
Lifeline 13 11 14
Beyond Blue 1300 224 636